1. Oh, I see, you’re having a bad day. Did you know-this is something I believe I read-that bad days happen to most people? So, you’re not alone. It’s amazing. It’s amazing like a work of art in a museum. You have beautiful eyes. Have you ever painted? Wait here, I’m going to go buy you some-some-some ah-paint brushes and ah-paints to go with them. Oh! And a…canvas. Yes, you’ll need a canvas. A canvas is like, well, it’s like a fresh start, right? Do you think I should get a cat? I’m allergic, but I think I should challenge myself. Or-oh! I know-ah! Yes! I’ll start doing parkour.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum I told Jeff I was having a bad day. Now he’s googling dojos asking if you can learn parkour at dojos or if you need a special gym. I feel better now.

    Oh, I see, you’re having a bad day. Did you know-this is something I believe I read-that bad days happen to most people? So, you’re not alone. It’s amazing. It’s amazing like a work of art in a museum. You have beautiful eyes. Have you ever painted? Wait here, I’m going to go buy you some-some-some ah-paint brushes and ah-paints to go with them. Oh! And a…canvas. Yes, you’ll need a canvas. A canvas is like, well, it’s like a fresh start, right? Do you think I should get a cat? I’m allergic, but I think I should challenge myself. Or-oh! I know-ah! Yes! I’ll start doing parkour.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    I told Jeff I was having a bad day. Now he’s googling dojos asking if you can learn parkour at dojos or if you need a special gym. I feel better now.

    2 months ago  /  8 notes  /  Source: starzlife.com

  2. “People, they say, they-they look for signs. Do you like signs? I enjoyed the band Ace of Base for a short time. They’re Swedish. I-I-I wonder if they’re sad. I think they should be. They should be sad. I-I think whales should also be sad. Ah! You disagree. You think whales should be happy. You think everyone should be happy. I-I-I’ve been thinking and I think I know what would make me, that is to say, my spirit, my animus, my enigmatic spark, happier. I want to learn how to play the xylophone.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum I told Jeff I was an impasse in my life. I’m still in that impasse, but Jeff and I are enrolled in a xylophone class for couples who are platonic and imaginary friends. I can play “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” now. 

    “People, they say, they-they look for signs. Do you like signs? I enjoyed the band Ace of Base for a short time. They’re Swedish. I-I-I wonder if they’re sad. I think they should be. They should be sad. I-I think whales should also be sad. Ah! You disagree. You think whales should be happy. You think everyone should be happy. I-I-I’ve been thinking and I think I know what would make me, that is to say, my spirit, my animus, my enigmatic spark, happier. I want to learn how to play the xylophone.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    I told Jeff I was an impasse in my life. I’m still in that impasse, but Jeff and I are enrolled in a xylophone class for couples who are platonic and imaginary friends. I can play “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” now. 

    4 months ago  /  9 notes

  3. Anonymous asked: Not really a question, more of a statement, this blog will be added to the agenda for the next editorial meeting at PAN magazine (a tiny and unimportant Sydney publication). I'm thinking of making it part of the induction process for joining our team. Many thanks for making my day. ED

    “Oh…uh…intriguing. A magazine from Australia. I don’t believe that they are tiny and unimportant. I mean, sure, you could look at circulation and global impact, but I think-yes, I think!-that is to say that any publication is great and important. So, yes, this is a delight. It’s ah-ah-ah an honor. Tell them thank you.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    This is what Jeff said after I told them about your message.

    4 months ago  /  2 notes

  4. “Oh…oh oh oh…I see…you are texting me on your smart phone because you are trying to distract yourself from work. No, I’m not busy. Are you busy? Are you trying not to be busy? Are you trying to express yourself? Human connection. Phone. Technology. This keyboard is easier to use than I thought. Would you like me to text you short stories about all the people I met on the street? I just passed a gentleman wearing a wig. I wonder if he is bald or a man who wants to be a lady. Text me back your thoughts post haste. Now I’m getting bored typing this. I’m hungry, too. I want something light, but sweet. We should get sorbet later! Text me back! I’m not at work! You are! I’m laughing out loud right now but you can’t hear it.” —This is the text I got from Jeff after I texted him, “Are you busy?”/”I’m at work.”/”So bored.”

    “Oh…oh oh oh…I see…you are texting me on your smart phone because you are trying to distract yourself from work. No, I’m not busy. Are you busy? Are you trying not to be busy? Are you trying to express yourself? Human connection. Phone. Technology. This keyboard is easier to use than I thought. Would you like me to text you short stories about all the people I met on the street? I just passed a gentleman wearing a wig. I wonder if he is bald or a man who wants to be a lady. Text me back your thoughts post haste. Now I’m getting bored typing this. I’m hungry, too. I want something light, but sweet. We should get sorbet later! Text me back! I’m not at work! You are! I’m laughing out loud right now but you can’t hear it.”

    —This is the text I got from Jeff after I texted him, “Are you busy?”/”I’m at work.”/”So bored.”

    4 months ago  /  9 notes

  5. “Now…ah…let me understand this…there is a Holiday party for your work, but you don’t get paid for showing up to it? I feel—perhaps this is just my ignorance—not blissful ignorance—irate ignorance—irate at the injustice of it all—that you should be paid to show up and get drunk with the boring people you work with. But-hey-that’s just me. I mean, they pay me to show up to movie premieres. I-I-I get paid in money and alcohol and fine suits that designers lend me, but then I never return. Shh…don’t tell anyone that. But yes! I would love to be your platonic date to your office Holiday party. Shalom!” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum I told Jeff that I wanted him to be my platonic date to my office Holiday party.

    “Now…ah…let me understand this…there is a Holiday party for your work, but you don’t get paid for showing up to it? I feel—perhaps this is just my ignorance—not blissful ignorance—irate ignorance—irate at the injustice of it all—that you should be paid to show up and get drunk with the boring people you work with. But-hey-that’s just me. I mean, they pay me to show up to movie premieres. I-I-I get paid in money and alcohol and fine suits that designers lend me, but then I never return. Shh…don’t tell anyone that. But yes! I would love to be your platonic date to your office Holiday party. Shalom!” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    I told Jeff that I wanted him to be my platonic date to my office Holiday party.

    5 months ago  /  11 notes  /  Source: http

  6. “Ah-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I enjoy humor.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum I told Jeff a joke I heard on The Daily Show.

    “Ah-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I enjoy humor.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    I told Jeff a joke I heard on The Daily Show.

    5 months ago  /  7 notes

  7. “Ah! Well…good question. I can see how that is a quandary. Well, what do you look for in a mate? Passion? Uh…romance? Uh…understanding? Perhaps you want someone who looks good in any kind of clothing. Such as…um…ah…suit or a…uh…polo shirt…or…ah…hmm…a suit of armor. You know, conquistadors used armored dogs to attack Native Americans. That seems a bit…uh…much. Like, why? Why? Why do you…ah…need to put armor on the dogs? Have you ever tried to even put a sweater on a dog? It’s…it’s a lot of work. You look like a beagle when you smile. That’s ah…a compliment. Beagles have the nicest smiles. What toothpaste do you use? Is it Crest? Do you want to go surfing next July?” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum I told Jeff that I joined an online dating site over the holidays and I asked him what men look for in a woman.

    “Ah! Well…good question. I can see how that is a quandary. Well, what do you look for in a mate? Passion? Uh…romance? Uh…understanding? Perhaps you want someone who looks good in any kind of clothing. Such as…um…ah…suit or a…uh…polo shirt…or…ah…hmm…a suit of armor. You know, conquistadors used armored dogs to attack Native Americans. That seems a bit…uh…much. Like, why? Why? Why do you…ah…need to put armor on the dogs? Have you ever tried to even put a sweater on a dog? It’s…it’s a lot of work. You look like a beagle when you smile. That’s ah…a compliment. Beagles have the nicest smiles. What toothpaste do you use? Is it Crest? Do you want to go surfing next July?” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    I told Jeff that I joined an online dating site over the holidays and I asked him what men look for in a woman.

    5 months ago  /  8 notes

  8. “Ah…let’s see…pudding. Yes, I am thankful for pudding this year. Are you thankful for pudding? Are you thankful for your health? What about this lovely weather we are having? Wait—you shouldn’t be thankful for anything. Let-let me..ah..explain. See…you—you—my dear friend—you deserve everything wonderful in your life. You deserve all the pudding in life that there is. Happy Thanks—ah—giving.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum I asked Jeff over post Thanksgiving dinner cocktails what he was thankful for this year.

    “Ah…let’s see…pudding. Yes, I am thankful for pudding this year. Are you thankful for pudding? Are you thankful for your health? What about this lovely weather we are having? Wait—you shouldn’t be thankful for anything. Let-let me..ah..explain. See…you—you—my dear friend—you deserve everything wonderful in your life. You deserve all the pudding in life that there is. Happy Thanks—ah—giving.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    I asked Jeff over post Thanksgiving dinner cocktails what he was thankful for this year.

    5 months ago  /  19 notes

  9. “But, you see, the thing about reality is we don’t know if it’s—if it’s real! Are you going to eat that croissant? Oh, ah, you are. No, no, no…eat it.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum Jeff said this out of nowhere over brunch yesterday. I’m not sure what inspired it.

    “But, you see, the thing about reality is we don’t know if it’s—if it’s real! Are you going to eat that croissant? Oh, ah, you are. No, no, no…eat it.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    Jeff said this out of nowhere over brunch yesterday. I’m not sure what inspired it.

    6 months ago  /  27 notes

  10. “Ah, well, I understand your question, but I-I-I can’t fully answer it. Being cool is like swimming. Overthink it and-and-and you drown! I’m going to buy a koi pond when I go back to LA. I just feel, well, it’s more of an instinct, you see, I had a notion that it would be nice to celebrate Thanksgiving by feeding fish in my own backyard. Ah-ah-ha! You’re laughing at me. See-I’m not cool. I…uh…do you need me to ride you home on my motorbike?” — My BFF Jeff Goldblum I asked Jeff how he got so cool. He’s so cool he said this. His motorbike is red and named “Rusty Tequila Wings”. He’s so cool.

    “Ah, well, I understand your question, but I-I-I can’t fully answer it. Being cool is like swimming. Overthink it and-and-and you drown! I’m going to buy a koi pond when I go back to LA. I just feel, well, it’s more of an instinct, you see, I had a notion that it would be nice to celebrate Thanksgiving by feeding fish in my own backyard. Ah-ah-ha! You’re laughing at me. See-I’m not cool. I…uh…do you need me to ride you home on my motorbike?” — My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    I asked Jeff how he got so cool. He’s so cool he said this. His motorbike is red and named “Rusty Tequila Wings”. He’s so cool.

    6 months ago  /  3 notes

  11. “Ah, well, it gets darker earlier, but you know, it’s like…jazz music. At first you might be worried about where it’s all going, but you get used to it and then you find—or I found—a certain comfort in it. It’s like life. It’s like passion. It’s like love. So, no, I don’t mind it.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum I asked Jeff if Daylight Savings Time was a nuisance to him in the winter or not. It’s still a nuisance to me.

    “Ah, well, it gets darker earlier, but you know, it’s like…jazz music. At first you might be worried about where it’s all going, but you get used to it and then you find—or I found—a certain comfort in it. It’s like life. It’s like passion. It’s like love. So, no, I don’t mind it.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    I asked Jeff if Daylight Savings Time was a nuisance to him in the winter or not. It’s still a nuisance to me.

    6 months ago  /  13 notes

  12. Anonymous asked: Not only do I like your blog (haha I found it) but I also am OBSESSED with you secretly. Ok here we go.. I got this idea from a Tumblr spam I got once lol.. I think you like me too and you were always too shy to admit it :3 go to crushmatches(dõt)com (wtf it wont let me link regular) and make an account there. Then look up the profile 'gottagetme19' (me obviously) I left body pictures.. if you can guess who I am hit me up and we'll hang soon. You need a C C but its free

    “Ah ah-ha…this is ah..ah…ah…very tempting offer. It sounds as though your love and admiration for me is true. However, as much as this pains me to say, I can’t reciprocate your-your emotions. I believe love is an experience one has when one meets another in person. We are not in person. You are not a person. You are a—what is the term—a bot? A spam bot? And I wish you well.” — My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    I showed Jeff this message and this was his reply.

    6 months ago  /  3 notes

  13. “Well…I see…here’s the thing…I don’t er, believe Adam Sandler should have played his own sister in a movie. No… No-no-no. I think that um, if you watch the history of films, that um, well, I think men in drag are stealing valuable roles away from female actresses. Like for instance-you-you could have played that part. Ah, ah-ha, don’t make that face. You would need lots of prosthetic make-up. Rick Baker like stuff. Do you enjoy his work? I enjoy his work. It’s…ah…it’s very transcendent. Oh! Wouldn’t it be interesting if Melissa McCarthy played the Dali Lama in a comedy film about his life? I’m not saying it would be, um, successful, but it would be interesting. Interesting. Clear Pepsi. That was interesting, and yet, ah…not successful. Oh, but back to your question, no, I would not like to see Jack and Jill. I’d prefer it if we watched the trailer for Snow White and the Huntsman again on your iPhone screen.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum I asked Jeff if he wanted to see Jack and Jill in the movie theaters. This was his eloquent response. 

    “Well…I see…here’s the thing…I don’t er, believe Adam Sandler should have played his own sister in a movie. No… No-no-no. I think that um, if you watch the history of films, that um, well, I think men in drag are stealing valuable roles away from female actresses. Like for instance-you-you could have played that part. Ah, ah-ha, don’t make that face. You would need lots of prosthetic make-up. Rick Baker like stuff. Do you enjoy his work? I enjoy his work. It’s…ah…it’s very transcendent. Oh! Wouldn’t it be interesting if Melissa McCarthy played the Dali Lama in a comedy film about his life? I’m not saying it would be, um, successful, but it would be interesting. Interesting. Clear Pepsi. That was interesting, and yet, ah…not successful. Oh, but back to your question, no, I would not like to see Jack and Jill. I’d prefer it if we watched the trailer for Snow White and the Huntsman again on your iPhone screen.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    I asked Jeff if he wanted to see Jack and Jill in the movie theaters. This was his eloquent response. 

    6 months ago  /  35 notes

  14. Ah…I agree! Politics are…well, the thing about politics is it’s complicated. Life is complicated. It’s…uh…it’s…uh strange. You have to look at the bigger picture. The picture is…it’s like you have to see the other pictures, too. Like in a museum. Do you like the art of Degas? I prefer modern work. There should be more robots in art. More robots and more love. Robots in love. Did you know that you can fall in love with a robot, because you are—you are—you’re human. Humans fall in love! Do robots? Can robots love us back? I don’t know. I just don’t know. What do you think? — My BFF Jeff Goldblum I told Jeff that I’m very confused about the state of the economy and what should politically be done to fix things right now. I wanted his opinion on the subject. Now I’m also confused about whether or not I’m in love with a robot.

    Ah…I agree! Politics are…well, the thing about politics is it’s complicated. Life is complicated. It’s…uh…it’s…uh strange. You have to look at the bigger picture. The picture is…it’s like you have to see the other pictures, too. Like in a museum. Do you like the art of Degas? I prefer modern work. There should be more robots in art. More robots and more love. Robots in love. Did you know that you can fall in love with a robot, because you are—you are—you’re human. Humans fall in love! Do robots? Can robots love us back? I don’t know. I just don’t know. What do you think? — My BFF Jeff Goldblum

    I told Jeff that I’m very confused about the state of the economy and what should politically be done to fix things right now. I wanted his opinion on the subject. Now I’m also confused about whether or not I’m in love with a robot.

    7 months ago  /  9 notes

  15. “Ah…pie! I would like some pie. Pastries are delicious. Pastries…the thing-the thing about pastries is that they can always remind you of warm. Warmth. Home is warm. Pastries are like home. Did your mother cook? Not often. Well, that’s a shame. I’m sure she was-ah-busy. She was probably busy. Bees are supposed to be busy. Do you think they get stressed out? Ha. That’s funny. Can you imagine a bee going to a spa? I can’t. Perhaps they just like their work. I-I-I like to work. Art is important. Water is important, too. Did you know that evian is “naive” backwards? I saw that in a movie once. That..uh..that movie was called Reality Bites. I was not asked to be in that film. It’s (sigh) fine. I don’t know what I would have added to the picture. Do you like kites?” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum  This is what Jeff shared with me after I asked him if we could stop at a diner and get pie. We never ended up getting pie. We went to the park and flew kites instead.

    “Ah…pie! I would like some pie. Pastries are delicious. Pastries…the thing-the thing about pastries is that they can always remind you of warm. Warmth. Home is warm. Pastries are like home. Did your mother cook? Not often. Well, that’s a shame. I’m sure she was-ah-busy. She was probably busy. Bees are supposed to be busy. Do you think they get stressed out? Ha. That’s funny. Can you imagine a bee going to a spa? I can’t. Perhaps they just like their work. I-I-I like to work. Art is important. Water is important, too. Did you know that evian is “naive” backwards? I saw that in a movie once. That..uh..that movie was called Reality Bites. I was not asked to be in that film. It’s (sigh) fine. I don’t know what I would have added to the picture. Do you like kites?” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum 

    This is what Jeff shared with me after I asked him if we could stop at a diner and get pie. We never ended up getting pie. We went to the park and flew kites instead.

    7 months ago  /  7 notes