“Ah! Advice! Yes. I see! I would love advice. Yes. Perhaps, if I could be so bold, could I ask ah-ah-ah-you…which linen suit I should take with me to Miami? Oh! You want ME to give advice. I see. Ah! Ah-ha! Nice.”
PLEASE READ AND REBLOG AND STUFF!!
My BFF Jeff Goldblum will be very sad if his advice goes unread. He put a lot of his chakras into it.
Anonymous asked: Jeff, long time reader, first time caller. As always, impressed with your work. Tell me, uh, what do you eat and what music do you listen to when preparing yourself for a role?
Thank you. I will forward this on to Jeff Goldblum, Advice Columnist.
“Ah! Hello—oh! Hello there! Yes. Internet. Hello!
I have been told on certain occasions…occasionally holiday occasions—that I am excellent at giving advice. Yes. Yes. So…yes, I’ve been told. However, one cannot give advice that is not asked for. This—this you see—can you see? Am I blocking your view, not you, the lady behind me, oh! Alright. Yes. Fine. Ah! Back to you! This is impolite. Ah! Ah yes, it would be impolite of me to just give advice to the world blindly.
Please—if you please—send me your questions…your problems…your stories of feeling lost on the San Jose expressway…and I will do my best to answer them in print.
Namaste.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum
Jeff is going to do an advice column for a comedy website—though he is deathly serious about his advice. The humor, he says, will be in the truth he utters.
So, please, please, PLEASE send me your questions and Jeff will offer his advice.
“But, you see, the thing is—you aren’t asking me what you think that you, are, say, asking me! No. No, you’re not! You are fooled! You have fooled yourself. Plato-Plato said something about the nature of ideals. You think that—yes—stop smiling—you have a beautiful smile—but stop smiling now. At this moment. You are trying to seek, what is it? A sense. An ideal. A…oh! Ah! Yes! Ah-ha! You are seeking an ideal of yourself. But the thing, the thing no one tells you is that you can’t seek an ideal of yourself, because, now please follow me here…because…because…because…of course! You are already the ideal version of yourself. That’s science. It’s just science. I can’t change it. It’s science.” - My BFF Jeff Goldlbum
I asked Jeff if I should get bangs. I still haven’t decided.
“Is it hot? Oh! Oh-ho! Ah-ha! I see. You are…you, I see, are wearing a sundress…lovely…yes, do you know? It is…as people would say…”summer”. The French call it “L’ete”. Let. Let’s go…oh! I know! Let us go to the cinema. We should partake in an afternoon of adventure. We should…and I am only suggesting this. Right? We don’t have to do this. I’m not implying it’s the best idea. How-however, we should stay indoors. And yet, that-that-that does not mean we can’t still adventure. I have Netflix. I also have…oh…yes…a piano. We can sing songs. We can discuss politics. We can…did you know that the Greeks invented democracy? What is that?”
—What my BFF Jeff said when I complained that it was too hot outside to go on a run with him.
Oh, I see, you’re having a bad day. Did you know-this is something I believe I read-that bad days happen to most people? So, you’re not alone. It’s amazing. It’s amazing like a work of art in a museum. You have beautiful eyes. Have you ever painted? Wait here, I’m going to go buy you some-some-some ah-paint brushes and ah-paints to go with them. Oh! And a…canvas. Yes, you’ll need a canvas. A canvas is like, well, it’s like a fresh start, right? Do you think I should get a cat? I’m allergic, but I think I should challenge myself. Or-oh! I know-ah! Yes! I’ll start doing parkour.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum
I told Jeff I was having a bad day. Now he’s googling dojos asking if you can learn parkour at dojos or if you need a special gym. I feel better now.
“People, they say, they-they look for signs. Do you like signs? I enjoyed the band Ace of Base for a short time. They’re Swedish. I-I-I wonder if they’re sad. I think they should be. They should be sad. I-I think whales should also be sad. Ah! You disagree. You think whales should be happy. You think everyone should be happy. I-I-I’ve been thinking and I think I know what would make me, that is to say, my spirit, my animus, my enigmatic spark, happier. I want to learn how to play the xylophone.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum
I told Jeff I was an impasse in my life. I’m still in that impasse, but Jeff and I are enrolled in a xylophone class for couples who are platonic and imaginary friends. I can play “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” now.
Anonymous asked: Not really a question, more of a statement, this blog will be added to the agenda for the next editorial meeting at PAN magazine (a tiny and unimportant Sydney publication). I'm thinking of making it part of the induction process for joining our team. Many thanks for making my day. ED
“Oh…uh…intriguing. A magazine from Australia. I don’t believe that they are tiny and unimportant. I mean, sure, you could look at circulation and global impact, but I think-yes, I think!-that is to say that any publication is great and important. So, yes, this is a delight. It’s ah-ah-ah an honor. Tell them thank you.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum
This is what Jeff said after I told them about your message.
“Oh…oh oh oh…I see…you are texting me on your smart phone because you are trying to distract yourself from work. No, I’m not busy. Are you busy? Are you trying not to be busy? Are you trying to express yourself? Human connection. Phone. Technology. This keyboard is easier to use than I thought. Would you like me to text you short stories about all the people I met on the street? I just passed a gentleman wearing a wig. I wonder if he is bald or a man who wants to be a lady. Text me back your thoughts post haste. Now I’m getting bored typing this. I’m hungry, too. I want something light, but sweet. We should get sorbet later! Text me back! I’m not at work! You are! I’m laughing out loud right now but you can’t hear it.”
—This is the text I got from Jeff after I texted him, “Are you busy?”/”I’m at work.”/”So bored.”
“Now…ah…let me understand this…there is a Holiday party for your work, but you don’t get paid for showing up to it? I feel—perhaps this is just my ignorance—not blissful ignorance—irate ignorance—irate at the injustice of it all—that you should be paid to show up and get drunk with the boring people you work with. But-hey-that’s just me. I mean, they pay me to show up to movie premieres. I-I-I get paid in money and alcohol and fine suits that designers lend me, but then I never return. Shh…don’t tell anyone that. But yes! I would love to be your platonic date to your office Holiday party. Shalom!” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum
I told Jeff that I wanted him to be my platonic date to my office Holiday party.
“Ah-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I enjoy humor.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum
I told Jeff a joke I heard on The Daily Show.
“Ah! Well…good question. I can see how that is a quandary. Well, what do you look for in a mate? Passion? Uh…romance? Uh…understanding? Perhaps you want someone who looks good in any kind of clothing. Such as…um…ah…suit or a…uh…polo shirt…or…ah…hmm…a suit of armor. You know, conquistadors used armored dogs to attack Native Americans. That seems a bit…uh…much. Like, why? Why? Why do you…ah…need to put armor on the dogs? Have you ever tried to even put a sweater on a dog? It’s…it’s a lot of work. You look like a beagle when you smile. That’s ah…a compliment. Beagles have the nicest smiles. What toothpaste do you use? Is it Crest? Do you want to go surfing next July?” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum
I told Jeff that I joined an online dating site over the holidays and I asked him what men look for in a woman.
“Ah…let’s see…pudding. Yes, I am thankful for pudding this year. Are you thankful for pudding? Are you thankful for your health? What about this lovely weather we are having? Wait—you shouldn’t be thankful for anything. Let-let me..ah..explain. See…you—you—my dear friend—you deserve everything wonderful in your life. You deserve all the pudding in life that there is. Happy Thanks—ah—giving.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum
I asked Jeff over post Thanksgiving dinner cocktails what he was thankful for this year.
“But, you see, the thing about reality is we don’t know if it’s—if it’s real! Are you going to eat that croissant? Oh, ah, you are. No, no, no…eat it.” - My BFF Jeff Goldblum
Jeff said this out of nowhere over brunch yesterday. I’m not sure what inspired it.